Monday, February 27, 2006

a real retreat "alone with the Alone".

- Henri Nouwen, The Genesee Diary

Two weeks since I've last updated and I never knew I could feel so tired. It's not necessarily physical tiredness as I'm getting adequate hours of sleep (although I am getting this dull pain in my chest that hurts once in a while). I think it's really a deeper tiredness that's affecting my entire being - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Certainly in the last two weeks, there have been some wonderful events in my life. I was able to attend RyersonCCF retreat and see a possible rekindling of passion/purity amongst the guys. Here am I hoping/praying that what happened that weekend doesn't vanish like a dimming candlelight, but rather, can be the beginning of a consuming fire. At the same time, EMC had our first follow-up meeting of the year. I'm still quite a bit frustrated with the focus on (what I think is) management issues vs. leadership and visioning issues. In the meantime, it is good that many of my partners in ministry recognize my frustration and are willing to collaborate for the growth of our church. I'm reading Ezra and Nehemiah for inspiration as well as practical advice on how to be an urban church (you should definitely read Renewing the City by Robert Lupton - link on my recommended readings list) On saturday, it was the last 'official' day of training for the TC Captains. I did a piss-poor job for training that last day, and yet I was genuinely touched by the authenticity and the growth of these captains. TC is in 2 weeks, can't wait to see what happens. Sunday I missed church (first time in a LONG time). Not sure what is going on physically, but I am coming to a better appreciation about how my physical well-being is intimately related to my emotional and spiritual well-being. The bright side was that I slept til 2pm and I saw some of the Olympic closing ceremonies. Right now, I just finished reading a section of 'The Genesee diary' by Henri Nouwen. This book is a record of Nouwen's daily journals during his seven-month stay in a Trappist monastery in Genesee, New York. It will be very helpful as I am going to a 3-day silent retreat in a few days. silence. reflection. selah. I need it. This was an entry taken from Nouwen, on August, Friday the 30th. This was one of those days that pass with many distractions and few real events. I washed raisins for more than four hours without even finishing the whole job, received a lot of mail that needed immediate attention, talked for a few hours with one of the guests who asked for some help in his life. Finally, I read that depressing weekly, U.S. News and World Report, which is obviously written for businessmen and not for monks. In fact, this was a 'typical' day when I think about my life before I came here. Busy, active, talkative, but very superficial and without much concentration on anything. It seems good to avoid more of such 'typical days.' Will tell y'all what a 3-day silent retreat is like when I'm back.


Yu-Ling posted at 2/27/2006 05:54:00 PM

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Today, the weather is really cold.

- Thomas

That's how my conversation with Thomas began on sunday. We spoke about the weather - it was really cold that day. I continued speaking to Thomas before worship began and I found out that Thomas really likes the worship and his favorite thing is looking at the screen... it's like watching tv. I also learned that Thomas walks through grange park very early in the morning, and so he's one of the few people sitting in the santuary at 9am. He just quietly observes everything around him with a hint of a smile on his face as he casually rocks back and forth in his seat. It was a good conversation. The reason why I found this simple little conversation to be so significant is because a few weeks ago (when Thomas first started sitting close to MY seat during worship) I confessed to my small group that he was a distraction to me during the service. You see, I never knew Thomas by name, only by reputation. I've seen him around the church and had assumed that he would stay in the cantonese congregation, never getting himself involved in MY space - MY comfort zone. And here he was, sitting close to me during worship, and I could see (out of the corner of my eye) that he was staring at me periodically throughout the whole service. As if having someone stare at you during worship isn't hard enough, but I had heard by reputation that Thomas was not entirely healthy. I heard he had mental health issues. So here was I confessing to my small group that I found him distracting and I don't know what to do. My SG called me on my attitude, and told me to go strike up a conversation with him... ouch. I admit, I wasn't so much fearful about being able to speak to him, but rather, I was afraid of another draining relationship. I was afraid that I will invest all this energy into a potential friendship and it will feel as if I have not helped at all. I was afraid that this potential relationship will begin a process of drainage/suckage of my energies until I will no longer be able to see him. I was afraid that by beginning a conversation with Thomas, it may lead to all these hypothetically difficult situations that I have created in my head. Around the same time, I had spoken to Raymond who works at Hong Fook mental health association. During our talk, he revealed to me that the chinese culture has a great stigma about mental health issues. We tend to avoid it, or we would not acknowledge it. The chinese church is even worse, he says. They refuse to deal with it. They only acknowledge mental health issues as 'demons', so they will only pray for the person and not seek to restore the person to a better quality of life. So Hong Fook has broken past the cultural stigma and seeks to help individuals develop a holistic-healthy life. Holistic Health, according to Raymond, includes physical, emotional, MENTAL... and surprisingly, spiritual. He acknowledges that there is a necessary spiritual component to healing, however, Hong Fook deals mainly with the mental restoration/development of individuals. They do this by 2 ways: first - through caring, growth of the individual so they can develop better mental capabilities. second - by reaching out into the community so that there will be more understanding and acceptance from the individual's neighbors. So here am I on the sunday morning at 9am sitting beside Thomas, and I finally get the guts to talk to him. We had a short/simple conversation. We talked about the weather. We spoke about what he likes during worship. We spoke about how he gets to church. It was a good conversation. I don't know where this relationship is leading to, but I feel I may grow even more when I speak to Thomas in the future.


Yu-Ling posted at 2/14/2006 11:18:00 AM

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

I think good things will happen to you if you help others. It's karma. Christians believe that too, right?

- Kevin (paraphrase)

On tuesday, I spoke to a guy named Kevin who works at a community centre close to my church. Kevin is a loud and boisterous guy and he's quick to share stories and anecdotes about the local community. He told me about the work of the community centre and how they try to serve at-risk youth. He talked about providing a breakfast club for the young kids because many of them do not have food for the day. He told me of the multiple partnerships that the centre has with other organizations. Really, he was telling me of the hope that they're bringing to the hopeless. Kevin also spoke about the great needs surrounding my church. Our neighborhood had the most gun violence reported in 2005. Many people are trapped in cycles of poverty. Children who grow up in this environment often feel like they have no options except to join a gang and sell drugs. What's amazing is that Kevin has a plan to help at-risk youth one at a time. It started with a visit to India where he witnessed first hand the sheer poverty experienced by the children of the sex traders. At the core, Kevin saw that there is a common need in all at-risk youth - whether in Canada or in India - and the need was hope. And so, Kevin is going to take several underpriviledged youth from the community, train them for several months, travel to India, and then help serve the underpriviledge youth over there. When they come back, they will have learned leadership skills, developed teaching/faciliating abilities, and more importantly - their hearts will grow bigger for the at-risk youth in their community. And maybe, when these cross-cultural workers come back, they will have hope to grow past their desperate life situation. What a wonderful, life-changing idea. I asked Kevin why he chose this life. It surprised me that he attributed his desire for community work to his Christian upbringing. He had key moments in his life where people from the church helped him discover his passion to serve people from the community. I don't think he still attends church, but he strikes me as a very spiritual man. In my conversation with Kevin, he often said that he wanted to help people. It's Karma, he would say, ultimately, it's about giving people hope. I interviewed Kevin because I wanted to learn how I can better bring Jesus to the community surrounding my church. When I stepped out of my church and into the community, I found that Jesus was already working there.


Yu-Ling posted at 2/01/2006 07:27:00 PM